Game #39: “John, you’re just stirrin’ up doo-doo”

Whoa, a 111-99 LOSS to the New Orleans Hornets.

Sixers receive a weird (and kind of titillating)  spanking at the hands of the last place Hornets, followed by a harrowingly raw Doug Collins press conference from whence the aforementioned accusation of doo-doo stirring was leveled at Inquirer beat writer John Mitchell.



HurtMeGoodMED undercover submissive

Between the spanking and the poop references, this Sixers team is starting to give off a freaky sub/dom vibe, which maybe sheds some of this season’s inexplicable bad play.

OH YES! Dunk on us Al Faruq Aminu… We’ve been a VERY BAD basketball team….

But let’s start with our dessert and hear some choice post-game snippets from the increasingly disheveled Doug Collins

collins disheveled

Why did they lose tonight?

“We couldn’t get any stops. They outran us, they out-rebounded us, they beat us in the paint, they out-executed us. They beat us in every way they possibly could. So that is very disappointing.”

Why can’t the players pick up his defensive scheme?

“Well, we have [a] weakness. We have lack of speed on the wings. You get broken down, and now it becomes a chain link fence that one thing is chasing another and changing another, and eventually you’re going to get caught. And we don’t have rim protection….”

After Inquirer “reporter” John Mitchell asked if the team was tuning him out, Collins responded with this extemporaneousness gem

Are you kidding me? Seriously? You’re kidding me right, now you are digging. The answer to that is no. That’s not a good question John. this is what you do when you lose games. So it’s me, they aren’t listening to me. you said are they tuning me out, that was the question…

I think that was an unfair question to be honest with you, it just stirs up doo doo and that’s what people do in times of crisis… “

Why don’t your shirts fit anymore?

my increasingly huge shirts have nothing to do with this teams performance everything to do with my Talking Heads one-man show “76 to 77: the life and times of Doug Collins and David Byrne”

On To The Game!

Jason smith booty

So much for my prediction that Jason Smith’s gelled hair and ridiculous booty would equate to a win. Sixers give up 35 first quarter points, trail the whole way, and with the exception of a brief flurry that spanned halftime, were never really close.

Doug Collins emptied the bench in the garbage time 4th, which now means former starting center Kwame Brown and presumptive 6th man Swaggy P got some minutes. Yes, these guys only play when we are down by 20…

Followed by Swaggy talking in tongues enroute to 14 points in 5 minutes, briefly setting the arena on fire and threatening to make a game of it. Alas, the Sixers couldn’t get any stops, and in spite of 31 4th quarter points, still lose by 12.

let’s talk about enigmatic Hornets slasher Eric Gordon for a minute.

NBA: New Orleans Hornets at Philadelphia 76ers

Mostly famous for being traded for Chris Paul and then sitting out in New Orleans with a mystery ailment after announcing that “Phoenix is where my heart is right now” and that if “The Hornets truly loved me, they’d love me enough to let him go…”

OK, I made the 2nd quote up. Gordon’s not great but in the parched wasteland of NBA shooting guards he might be the 5th best player at his position. Here are your PER leaders at the shooting guard spot:

1)Kobe Bryant 2)James Harden 3)Dwayne Wade 4)Manu Ginobili 5)Ben Gordon 5)Jamal Crawford 6)OJ Mayo 7) Louis Williams

Let’s just say there is a big drop-off after #4, and having a scoring 2 guard is a huge asset in the NBA. Let me also just say that Jrue Holiday is 6’4 with a 6’7 inch wingspan. Just saying…


oh Jrue, I hate to think what the season would have been like with out you (though it is certainly plenty bad with you) Holiday stuffs it going for an efficient 29pts/11asts/5rebs/4stl performance. 

Sixers vs. Hornets

here he is showing some of the defensive pressure that has been absent as he has shouldered more of the offensive load.

A moment in Swaggy. Nick Young reminds us why people think he’s any good, with one of his impossible, meaningless hot streaks. these look perfectly identical to every other shot chucking fiesta he normally provides except that all the shots go in… once again 14 points in 5 miuntes. whatever.


Evan Turner has showed me more this year than I expected. He has frequently looked like a competent basketball player, but let’s just say he doesn’t react well when things are going poorly…

hornets turner

here is an unforgivable turnover and slam after muffing a between the legs dribble



Sixers Center trio of Lavoy Allen/Spencer Hawes/Kwame Brown play 43 minutes GRAB 4 REBOUNDS! in related news the Hornets grab 15 offensive boards and murder the Sixers on the glass 48 to 32….

hornets hawes


It’s possible that this team is so bad, that even 30 games of Bynum won’t turn things around. Your silver linging is a preview of the Holiday/Bynum tandem, then we dump our garbage, find some defenders and we might be in business in 2014. Yes, it’s January 16th and I am already talking about 2014…



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