Game #13: HoneyMetrics

A sincere GrowthPlates welcome to full-blooded Okie, pre-emminent Godzilla scholar, and ecstatic basketball intellectual, Brooke Heather McCorkle. Inspite of fully disclosed and documented bias for her hometown Thunder, Brooke is a tremendous addition to the GrowthPlates community…

A 116 to 109 OVERTIME LOSS to the Oklahoma City Thunder

Honey-metrics: Measuring Cuteness in the NBA

Now, I like basketball as much or more than the next girl, but of course the bonus is that while my boyfriend only gets to ogle the cheerleaders during intermittent game breaks, I get to see my honeys running around all four quarters.

What, you may ask, is a “honey.”

A honey is an NBA player who snuggles his way into your heart via a unique combination of talent and cuteness. Hundreds of writers analyze the stats on talent, but there is a dearth of information considering cuteness (arguably more important in the NBA than other sports, since the players’ faces are unencumbered by masks and helmets).

Honey-metrics breaks cuteness down into a weighted tertiary system:

1.) Cheek pinch-ability: 30%

2.) Smile frequency: 30%

3.) Smile quality: 40%

However, there are important honey caveats.

1.) Villains can’t be honeys. For example, Doctor J, (sitting courtside last night) is a silver honey; Allen Iverson, *not* a honey.

(EDITORS NOTE: the GrowthPlates editorial staff considers Allen Iverson more of a fatally flawed antihero than a “Villian”, but we welcome a wide range of opinions on the exact nature of Iverson’s awesomeness…) 

 

2.) Active Lakers and Heat players are denied honey status (Kobe and Lebron will never be honeys; Wade and Howard have honey potential if traded; Bosh, though excellent, resembles Snoop Lion (formerly Dogg)  too much to attain serious honey power).

3.) The 2011-12 OKC Thunder hold the title of “Honey-est Team Ever.” Permanently. 

Given the above, one can easily see some major honey issues in the November 24th game.  In the last two seasons, the Thunder have triumphed at the Wells Fargo Center, but not as decisively as one might expect. Can the Thunder win again, despite taking a major hit in their honey quotient with the loss of James Harden’s beard? A honey match-up between the Sixers’ and Thunder’s primo honeys helps illuminate…

 

HoneyMetrics Match-up of the Night: Jrue Holiday vs Kevin Durant

Honey Metric: Cheek Pinch./Smile Freq./Smile Qual.

 Holiday, J: 30/30/40

Durant, K: 10/20/25

As you can see, Jrue’s overwhelming honey-ness rivals Durant’s dominant talent on the court. Because of this, each player’s overall honey stat is actually pretty even, making the Sixers/Thunder game an intense meeting of sweet and sticky.

Game Analysis 

It’s not easy being a benched honey, But after standing toe to toe with Durant if the first half, Smiles Holiday was was largely silent in the 2nd. At least he’s spread his honey powers, generously sharing with assistant Honey captains Thad Young, Nick Young (that hair!), and Evan Turner (a pouty bad boy with a story of hope).

 

 Clearly the Sixers have assembled a Big Three of Smiles to rival any team in the league, Thunder included. Alas as far the basketball game was concerned, the Thunder possessed a decided edge.

KD was in prime form, if you like your honey ice-cold. A dunk at the end of the third, a block on Holiday in the fourth, and a plethora of free throws solidify KD’s honey status. But really, compared to last year, there seems to be more jade than joy in Kevin’s game. Truly, Thunder teammate (and Norman Rockwell-esque Americana cutie) Nick Collison was having more of a honey night than “The Gift.” Nevertheless, I have to give this honey match- up to Durant (though it’s almost unfair seeing him guard Holiday at points, and vice versa).

 

You know what though? I like the Sixers’ scrappiness. Even though they were behind almost all of the game, they never gave up and sent the Thunder to overtime.

Ultimately though, too much Durant and Westbrook.

Though the Thunder have major stars (and height), and the 76ers sans Bynum have major flaws, the Sixers’ as a team have true honey potential. 

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