Game #4: Clash of the Pasty Titans

Crushed by the outcome of Tuesday’s election and the devastating sight of Mitt Romney’s 1:00 am seppuku. An emotionally drained, and all-cried-out, Spencer Hawes took the court with his team reeling. They needed a win. They needed to find a way to protect the rim. They needed Hawes.

What else could he do, with America, as we know it, ending? With the socialist, global warming, UN barbarians looming at the gates? For Bizarro Bill Walton, there was only one thing to do. Stand under the basket with his hands straight up in there air. And that’s exactly what he did.

Two players who (apparently) will forever be linked in the annals of basketball; Spencer Hawes and Jason Smith waged an epic battle of pick and pop jumpers in the first. The two pale, gangly, behemoths collided an in epic struggle between 70’s pornstar hair and 90’s pornstar hair.

Want a memento? Ever wonder what a 7 foot wall mural of Hawes would look like in your apartment? Inexplicably this is available, for purchase, for $124.99.

Let me reiterate, in contravalence of all known laws of free market economics, and perhaps several laws of physics, this is an actual product, actually for sale, to the public, for $124.99.

Holy. Shit.

Not enough Hawes/Smith memorabilia?

Well here you go. a scrap of game worn Spencer Hawes Sacremento Kings jersey, and scrap of game worn Jason Smith Sixers jersey. Packaged together…  For sale.

Clearly, the signs of a society lost in a death spiral of decadence.


a 77-62 ugly, ugly VICTORY for the Sixers. Through 4 games, the Sixers are the worst offense in basketball. Averaging 83.3 points a game on 38% shooting. If this team doesn’t have the outside jumper going, it is a parched offensive wasteland.

Also, the defensive malaise so present in the Knicks series reared it’s ugly head in the first.

On the subject of malaise. Check out this Evan Turner weakside brainfart in the 1st.

But from the second quarter on it was the return of win-ugly Sixers basketball. Aided by ball pressure, better rotations, and Collins’ dark summoning of the Japanese demon Hideragami to desicate the Hornets jump shots. the Sixers held the Hornets to a miserly 10 pts in the 3rd.

Thanks to Doug’s mastery of the Black Arts, the Hornets failed to score 20 points in any quarter and posted a franchise record low 62 points. The Sixers cruised to victory in spite of shaky offensive performance.


1) I rip Turner constantly, so credit when its do. Turner had it mid range jumper going, carrying the offense in the 2nd quarter, hitting 6 of 8 from that distance. Lost in the static of his much maligned shooting is that he can hit the 12-18 footer. He just needs to figure out how to get those shots.

2) Defensive agression. The brought ball pressure, deflections, got turnovers (forcing 24 team turnovers), and solid rotations.

3) Hawes, channeling the protestant work ethic of Ayn Rand and Freidrich Hayek, he looked like a true rim protector.

4) Thad’s suffocating defense on Ryan Andersen. He’s really busting it on D this year, and maybe can be a plus defender against Stretch 4’s.

5) 1 minute to go in third. Lavoy Allen actually leaves his man to flash hard on a pick and roll. Perhaps aided by the jaw-dropping shock this created, he breaks up the play. Hornets turnover. Was that so hard, Lavoy?

6) He may not look like a point gaurd, But Jrue Holiday looks like a baller. He’s creating a ton of offense.


1) More Turner aimlessness. He catches in his wierdly beloved high post perch, clearly shooting no matter what. Crowded, he dribbles to the corner, than goes baseline with a classic Turner tight spin to the cup. Just as classicly, he cant do anything when he gets there. Lost in traffic he leaves his feet, heaves a desperate pass/shot/something. Turnover. Hornets fast break.

2) Sixers offense. Less face it, Wright, Nick Young, and Richardson, can’t handle, can’t pass, and can’t get thier own shots. If the 3’s aren’t falling, this is what the offense is going to look like. I miss Lou Williams…


1) Nick Young been here so much he’s going to have to start paying rent. In 4 games he’s taken 41 shots. shooting 24%, provided bad defense, and made 2 assists.


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